The 80's were a more troubled time for rock icons. You had a tremendous blend of artists, groups and individuals all fighting for center stage, most of which sank to the bottom of the musical pond after being awarded the one hit wonder title and dismissed from the arena. Even so, the 80’s were entertaining, produced some signature sounds and were even featured in some of the outstanding films of the decade. Now, before you get too excited, you won’t find any of that here, no, not in the least.
The only way I can possibly describe the tracks contained on this CD is as follows: If you have ever fallen in love with someone and had an “our song” – the song to which you would affectionately look into each others eyes and call each other pet names [fluffy, bunny, pootie pie, duck butt etc] – and that song was a constant reminder of that person – both during and after the relationship. A month after you true love told you he or she “wanted space” – that song became a reminder of a love gone sour. Imagine over 50 minutes of just such fodder. Yes, Love Songs of The 80’s – Music That Makes Therapists Rich.
This review is part of an ongoing series of CD’s that I picked up at a used CD store, all of which revolve around 80’s music. While some of them may bash the artists I can say with all honesty that I did find a few releases that were exceptions, but once again I must say – you won’t find anything of that nature here.
The Music
In all fairness to those true musicians and artists of the craft, I’ll start with the best and work my way through the list to the absolute very worst. I never thought I’d have a tough time picking out the absolute worst track on a CD, but in this case it took me three cans of Diet Dr. Pepper and several bowls of popcorn to come to my final decision. Luther Vandross does not deserve to be on this CD. He did nothing wrong to warrant him included in this mess – nothing at all. Possibly one of the few reasons I purchased this CD was to have this song In my collection. Here And Now was never a song that appealed to me when it was released but as of late I’ve started to expand my listening background a little more and realized I missed out on a lot of good good music because I was too stuck in one genre to explore others. While the song is certainly not a representation of his best work, it shows that he has the staying power to outlast most in his field. How he ended up on this is beyond me – maybe he was the life preserver that tried to keep this awful assemblage afloat.
Paul Young has always been a favorite of mine and his track Everytime You Go Away is probably one of his best-known pieces. Much like Luther, how he was dragged into this carnage is still a mystery to me. Yes, it’s a sappy love song but it actually has something to say and it’s delivered with emotion and power. While not a song I was ever ‘in to’ or even liked, Shake You Down snuck into my good graces when I gave it an honest listen. I won’t say that I fell in love with this song but when compared to the rest of the tracks – it’s like comparing Mozart to Mr. T Sings The Blues.
Now, Kristinafh from Epinions took it upon herself to say that Loverboy is a rock band. If they are rock I would hate to see what her idea of speed metal is. Loverboy faces the music with Heaven In Your Eyes a song that got more airplay than most “power ballads” especially on the traditionally pop stations. Let a “rock” band [no, I am not saying Loverboy is rock] cut a love song and all of a sudden every pop station jumps on it. Even more disturbing is that Mike Reno snuck into the line up again with Ann Wilson with another song that simply won’t die, Almost Paradise. Visions of Tom Cruise and Kelly McGillis sucking face with jet planes as a backdrops is simply more than I can take at this stage in my life.
Warrant. When you think of the band Warrant – is Cherry Pie the first track you think of? I can almost bet it isn’t Heaven - for the simple reason that it was so overplayed when it was at its nexus that it should have been permanently removed from every playlist, compilation, station stock list and the video destroyed. Moreover, preservers of rock* should have marched into people’s homes and destroyed the cassette singles as well as the cassettes and confiscated the CD’s. Do you know how many psudo-solar panels could have been made from all the Warrant CD’s sold? Well, I can’t give you an exact number, but I’m sure it’s a hell of a lot.
I’ll kill two birds with one stone, or rather one paragraph – Bonnie Tyler and The Bangles. Talent? Yes. Songwriting capabilities? Yes. Vocal abilities? Yes [well, sort of]. Great crooner of love songs? Not an ice cubes chance in hell. The Bangles wore out their welcome in my record collection when I could no longer tell their music apart from The Go-Go’s [and we all know how I feel about that group]. Again, this song should have been erased from the annals of music history. Total Eclipse of The Heart wasn’t a bad song by any stretch of the imagination, however it has become a “compilation wh@re” and gets more play than a basketball at summer camp. All I’m asking for is a little variety … is that so hard?
Getting down to the last four songs I am having a little trouble trying to narrow the field. How many people reading this can honestly say they ever heard the song Can't We Try by Hill & Shepard? Come on, I want to see some hands in the air. Oh I am sure if you try hard enough you can remember it….
I hear you on the telephone
With god knows who
Spilling out your heart for free
Everyone needs someone they can talk to
Girls that someone should be me
Is that painful enough or should I list some more of the lyrics? Don’t force me to do that because I don’t think anyone here wants to relive that song again.
Bad English was never a group that appealed to me in the least. John Waite on his own was tolerable but when he hooked up with Schon and Cain from Journey things went downhill quick. When I See You Smile has all the elements of a bad love song – from the sappy lyrics to the obnoxious vocals.
Then one look at you baby
And everything's alright
Hey everything's alright
It's alright
When I see you smile
I can face the world
REO Speedwagon. Did they fall off the face of the earth or are they playing the club scene? [Just kidding, they have a new release] I’m not sure about anyone else but I wore out my cassette of Hi Infidelity and talk about cover art!!! That’s why I still can’t figure out this song. It’s so basic and far below what the band was capable of at the time that it almost seems insulting to those that ‘grew up’ on their tunes. Look at the gut smashing sounds of Don’t Let Him Go and Take It On The Run [both from the same release] and tell me that Keep On Lovin’ You doesn’t leave a hell of a lot to be desired.
The biggest, most atrociously revolting track on this CD has to be the Baby I Love Your Way / Freebird medley. Am I the only person that was just a little irked by this song when it was released? Peter Frampton, you should be ashamed of yourself! And how many Lynyrd Skynyrd fans were rushing out to buy this CD single??? I can would rather have bamboo shoots shoved under my fingernails, my eye lashes [not eye brows] plucked by an almost blind cosmetologist, a flock of seagulls flying overhead dropping sea biscuits on me, attacked by fire ants, trapped on an island with Rosie O’Donnell, curse with fever blisters, made to watch all the old episodes of Northern Exposure [in order], force fed unbuttered and unsalted popcorn and a thousand other unpleasant events – rather than have to listen to a nanosecond of Elin Michaels trying to “sing” these two classic songs. How badly did Frampton or the Skynyrd estate need the cash that they allowed this to be record as well as released?
Keep On Loving YouREO Speedwagon Everytime You Go AwayPaul Young Baby I Love Your Way / FreebirdWill To Power Can't We TryDan Hill & Vonda Shepard Almost ParadiseMike Reno & Ann Wilson Total Eclipse of The HeartBonnie Tyler Shake You DownGregory Abbott Eternal FlameBangles Here And NowLuther Vandross Heaven In Your EyesLoverboy When I See You SmileBad English HeavenWarrant
The Bottom Line
If you are looking to build up a stellar collection of 80’s tracks and want to preserve the balance between “good and evil” then by all means, rush out an buy a copy of this. Some record collectors insist that having the hits of an era is important but you also have to include the misses as well. In the case of almost all these songs, they aren’t just misses, they are off by at least a few miles.
Am I being too hard on this CD? NO! Not in the least. This is nothing more than greedy record executives wanting to squeeze out every penny they can from songs that should have long since been retired. When the RIAA [or what ever politically correct term they are calling themselves this week] stands there and says that file sharing and swapping is illegal – they should be pelted with these CD’s by rock mercenaries who loudly chant Give us back the music!
Stats
Number of Tracks: 12
Released Under: Sony Music
UPC: : 79893-08 802-0
* = Preservers of Rock and Rock Mercenaries are two self coined terms that I will be using in an up and coming, soon to be published, article about the recording industry, the true price of producing a CD and the shady deals of music managers, producers and distributors.
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