Absolutely Fantastic Top 10 Movies of All Time You Never Saw
Apr 01 '03
The Bottom Line The Top 10 Movies of All Time may be the 10 Greatest Movies You Never Saw....
The 10 Greatest Movies You Never Saw....
I've read a number of "Top Ten" movie lists here at Epinions. Now I present, in no particular order, ten screen/video classics that I think every film buff should have in their collection.
Laser Mission
Dr. Braun (Ernest Borgnine) is a brilliant scientist who is held hostage in a fictitious country somewhere in South Africa. He developed a new laser technology that can be used to trigger massive nuclear explosions. Brandon Lee plays Michael Gold, a mercenary hired by the CIA to find and free Dr. Braun in an effort to rescue his amazing laser technology for use by the West.
Michael Gold is a "one-man army" and throughout the movie we see him kill about 200 soldiers using pistols and rifles that never run out of ammunition. And, of course, his magic bullets (which may or may not be armed with JDAM/smartbomb guidance technology) can penetrate through sandbag bunkers and kill enemies in hiding. He is accompanied on his mission by a gorgeous babe (Debi Monahan) who can drive an old VW bus and squeeze Porsche-like performance out of it. Together, the two are also able to walk over a 400 mile stretch of dessert sand dunes without food, water, or sun block. Try that, Moses!
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High Kicks
Keep your box of tissues handy. Our hero -- a long-haired, pony-tailed drifter named Sam -- is looking for part-time work as a handyman at the local aerobics studio. Sandy, the shop owner, falls victim to a gang of local thugs who rob and rape her, but she does not to press charges and decides to exact revenge on her own terms. Sam and his buddies teach Sandy karate. We witness, with sweet tenderness, Sandy fall in love with Sam. The heart-warming confessional where Sam tells Sandy that he learned karate after he was once raped when he sailed his boat into the wrong harbor will have you wiping the tears from your cheek.
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House by the Cemetery
Don't see this one after a heavy lunch! The unrated version of the film features lots of squirting blood. Dr. Norman Boyle (Paolo Malco), doing research for the New York Historical Society, takes his wife Lucy (Katherine MacColl) and his son Bobby (Giovanni Frezza) away from their comfortable digs in Manhattan and they move into a freakin' scary old house hidden in the woods, next to a cemetery.
The house's original owner, Dr. Freudstein, has been living in the basement since 1879. He stays occupied by killing all new tenants of the property and he uses their bodies to fuel his longevity. Dr. Freudstein does not get revealed in his full, glorious form until the end of the film, when we see that he is not a very attractive character.
Exciting special effects and animatronics fuel this spectacular film. Keep an eye out for a fantastic bat-like creature that looks like a giant brown gerbil with huge leathery wings. And be warned: no matter how freakin' scary the stairway down to the cellar is, people are irresistibly drawn down to explore. It doesn't matter that everyone has had a frightening experience down there, they still make a march down into the basement because they hear something suspicious and need to confirm that they have something to be frightened about. Keep one eye covered when -- in the final, dramatic confrontation -- Dr. Boyle stabs Dr. Freudstein in the abdomen and a flood of maggots erupt from his wound.
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The January Man
Development of some amazing crime-fighting software saves Manhattan. Kevin Kline stars as an ex-cop (Nick Starkey) who is recruited away from his job as a New York City firefighter. He is brought back to serve as a detective on the New York Police Department, serving under his brother, the Police Commissioner (Harvey Keitel).
Ignoring some side stories and a piquing psychosexual drama, what we have is a story about the hunt for a serial killer who, during the past eleven months, committed 11 strangulation homicides. When Nick Starkey is brought in to assist the NYPD, he comes to the correct conclusion, after about 48 hours of ground work, that a twelfth murder is going to be attempted in exactly one day. The suspense is riveting and Nick Starkey is about as smart as Sherlock Holmes multiplied by the power of 10.
Aided by a miraculous piece of computer software that was developed overnight by an unemployed artist who becomes a computer genius in a matter of minutes, and after having discovered a number of serendipitous clues -- a series of dates that are keyed to prime numbers, the location of the constellation of Virgo in the night sky, and a bizarre analysis of a seven-note musical composition that turns out to be the start of a Neil Sedaka song -- the 12-month serial killer mystery is solved. That a non-computer programmer develops a three dimensional map of all properties on Manhattan Island, overnight, just totally stunned me. There are plenty of surprises in this super-thrilling murder mystery.
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TNT Jackson
TNT Jackson (Jeanne Bell, a former Playmate) is a beautiful-yet-tough ex-con or ex-cop (I don't clearly remember which, but it doesn't matter) from the mean streets of New York's Harlem. She travels to Hong Kong to find the person who murdered her brother. Her investigations lead her to some drug dealers, pimps, and generally bad characters. Along the way, she gets involved in a lot of fighting and usually succeeds in beating up other martial arts experts -- even those armed with knives and superior weapons. Sometimes, her clothes fly off her body during the fights. She seems to be the only actor/actress that experiences this phenomenon -- which is a good thing, since she's quite pleasing on the eye. This thrilling movie ends with a dramatic fight scene where TNT Jackson punches a guy so hard that her fist actually penetrates her opponent's body -- through the abdomen and exiting right through the back. Absolutely amazing!
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Ancient Evil: Scream of the Mummy
Watch this one with a friend. It is too scary to watch alone. Professor Cyphers "deciphers" some ancient Aztec texts. Before her untimely death, she was on the verge of announcing an important discovery that the mummy in the university's collection was the servant of an omnipotent "Rain God." What she did not know was that one of her students -- the nerd by the name of Norman -- has designs to revive the mummy to complete a prophesied plan to annihilate all mankind. Norman, who looks European in every physiognomic respect, happens to be a direct descendant of an ancient Aztecan high priest. That revelation totally caught me by surprise. You will be surprised, too, by the very scary and ancient mummy. Although it appears to be pot-bellied and extremely slow in its movements, it is incredibly adept at creeping up on students and brutally hacking them to death. This film was shot on location in Mexico. All the action occurs in one of either two homes, or the lawn area that joins them. All the intense action in such a confined space will keep you glued to your seat.
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Abraxas - Guardian of the Universe
My expectations were exceeded. Jesse "The Body" Ventura stars as Abraxas. He is a "Finder" -- a kind of interstellar bounty hunter/police officer. He comes down to earth on a mission to track down a rogue Finder by the name of Secundus. Secundus knows he's being chased and may be apprehended by Abraxas, so -- to extend his bloodline and power on earth -- he finds an Earth woman and impregnates her. This was one of the most incredible special effects I've seen in many a movie: Secundus impregnates a woman by placing his "glowing" hand over belly and willing his seed into her body. The pregnancy begins immediately and the gestation period lasts about 5 minutes, leading to the amazing birth of an interstellar bastard baby who is given the name of "Tommy."
Tommy is a kind of hybrid baby (a "Comator") with special powers. He possesses a kind of telekinesis force, and his brain contains pre-programmed knowledge for an "anti-life" formula that Secundus is intent upon discovering. Will Abraxas find and battle Secundus, save mankind, and win the affection of Tommy and his Earth mother? Will the "Answer Box" reveal all? Watch this movie and prepare to be awed by the acting skill of Governor Ventura.
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The Firing Line
U.S. military advisors assist a banana republic to thwart the efforts of a communist revolutionary guerrilla group. The film starts with a successful clean-up operation, where Captain Mark Hardin (Reb Brown), wipes out a platoon of guerrillas. He is a dashing, gallant military hero.
When Captain Hardin finds out that one of the captured prisoners has been murdered by his superiors, he decides to switch sides and assist the communist sympathizers. In dramatic fashion, he kills his commander, making him a fugitive of the U.S. government, and has no choice but to turn traitor. He shanghai's a woman, Sandra Spencer (Shannon Tweed), who was seen in his company and was fingered (not literally, or, at least, not in the way you might be imagining) as a possible spy. She is pressed into service, which leads into a budding love affair with Captain Mark ...who is, of course, quite a brilliant and dashing hero. Reb Brown's acting ability makes Sylvester Stallone look like Sir Anthony Hopkins.
There is a lot of exciting military action, but, in answer to a couple of inquiries jokingly advanced by Epinions member jay1051971: there were no hooters to be seen.
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Assassin
A super-low budget, made-for-TV movie action flick that is so cool you'll want to wear a sweater.
An out-of-control CIA agent -- who is actually a robot -- goes berserk (errr, I don't think it is P.C. to say "postal" anymore) because his job classification (as an Assassin) was cancelled. In his program databanks he has all the information he needs to find the Agency's secret operatives and he makes it his mission to go out and kill them all. Robert Conrad -- who retired from the Agency eight years ago -- is recruited by his former chief to help find and destroy the robot killer, which does not have information in its memory banks to help it defend itself from old, retired operatives.
Things to keep an eye out for: Special Agents eating dinner at a public restaurant, openly discussing for public consumption sensitive information about possible assassination attempts on the President of the United States. This film is a 1986 production, but the super-computers used by the CIA look like they were built in the 1950's. Robotic acting? Yep! Robert Conrad wins that prize, too.
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Hangmen
"Why don't you come up and see me sometime, big boy!" How can anyone resist an invitation like this when it is delivered by a sultry, young (23-years old) Sandra Bullock?
Rob Greene (Rick Washburn) is an ex-CIA operative who discovers that a secret "political assassination" hit squad is operating within the CIA. Unfortunately for Rob, the CIA learns that Greene knows about their dirty trick goons, so a contract is put out to rub him out. With elections coming up, Greene has to be silenced to avoid embarrassment to the president in his re-election bid.
Do you like action? Will this film has it: gun fights in warehouses and some junkyard in Jersey city occupy half of the movie's run time. And do you like "high tech" gadgets, doodads, and fancy computers? Well, feast you eyes on some impressive hardware like an IBM PC-AT featuring not one, but two 5¼" floppy drives! Or: how about a 1.79 MHz Atari 800 computer that sports a blazing 300 baud modem and 16Kb of onboard RAM!
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Just missed the list:
Death Run to Istanbul
This direct-to-video production was shot in parks and back alleys, so try not to be distracted by the ultra-low budget camera work, the corn-ball fighting, the amateurish prat falls, or the kicks and punches that never actually make contact.
Don't be confused by the random video shots of street performers, the senseless survey of the shopping scene at California's Venice Beach, or minutes-upon-minutes of raw video that looks like it was taken from your next door neighbor's vacation tape. This film does contain a full minute of intensely exciting action when a poor, sweet girl is forced to summon all of her self-defense skills to ward off the menacing advances of two drunk-and-horny vagrants. You will want to have the video remote at the ready so you can rewind the action and replay all the splendors that this exciting feature has to offer.
April Fools, ya'll.
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Member: Tom Carr
Location: Southern California
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Go U.S.C.!!!
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